Chris Nelson, a pan-eulogy

I only recently found out how common my friend Chris Nelson’s name was, so I wrote him an all encompassing eulogy.

Dear Mr. Nelson,

It is with profound regret that I inform you of your recent death. On Saturday, January 9, 2010, you passed away unexpectedly at Iredell Memorial Hospital in Statesville, North Carolina at the age of 41. You, Johnny “Chris” Nelson, were born in 1968 to your parents Elmer and Louise. Your father was in the furniture business and a member of the Baptist church. You’ve been survived by your wife Kristain and sons Joshua and Noah. You will be interred this coming Friday at the United Methodist Church in Boone.

I wish to offer you my condolences. You died, yet again, that same Saturday, January 9, 2010 at the Van Dyke Hospice in Toms River, New Jersey. You, Christopher J. Nelson were 43 at the time and are survived by your wife of 21 years Sharlene and your children Julia and Eric. Born in Elizabeth, New Jersey, you settled in Jackson Township a mere 12 years ago where you were the co-owner of Executive Relocation Services in Piscataway, New Jersey.

These recent deaths came as a shock to us for we were still reeling from your untimely demise in December. You, Christopher Alan Nelson, died December 14, 2009 at the age of 24. Born in 1985, you were employed most recently as the assistant manager of a Casey’s General Store in Byron, Michigan and lived in Mount Morris for the past 12 years. You will be mourned by your parents and your brothers James and Brandon. As instructed, we directed our donation to a favorite charity in lieu of flowers.

It is with great sadness that we learned of your previous death in Leland, IA on November 23, 2009. You, Chris A. Nelson, died in your home at the ripe old age 77. You were born June 16, 1932 on a farm near Forest City and have been a farmer all your life raising both cows and crops. You will be missed by your wife of 56 years, Donna, along with your many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Sir, this rash of recent deaths over the last two months can only lead us to believe that you will die multiple times before your next birthday. We look forward to these events and can only assume that one day you will either be decapitated by Christopher Lambert or murdered by Jet Li to absorb your dimensional power becoming the one true Chris Nelson.

Sincerely,
Eliot Phillips, Esq.
Executor to your Estate

Leave a Reply